Myka Is So Over It
by wiffyscoob
Summary: Mrs. Fredric is acting crazy, Pete wants to have platonic children with Myka, and Helena insists on telling everyone the intimate details of their love life. All poor Myka wants is some peace and quiet after a long retrieval. Is that too much to ask?


A/N: This is my version of a fix-it for those ridiculous moments when Mrs. Fredric went OOC and bugged Myka about having kids, and then Pete started to bug Myka about having platonic children. One more sign the show went off the rails in season 5.

-Helena returned to the Warehouse after leaving Nate soon after the episode 'Instinct'.

-Myka never had cancer!

 **...**

"Agent Bering, I wish to speak to you for a moment. Please, have a seat."

"Mrs. Fredric! I just got back from a retrieval with Pete. Can it wait?"

Mrs. Fredric dipped her head to stare at Myka over her glasses.

Okay, so maybe not.

Myka smiled awkwardly, and walked into the living room of the B&B

'Okay, this is weird. Mrs. Fredric is just sitting here, waiting for me. She's on the couch, and drinking tea.'

"Is everything alright, Mrs. Fredric?" Myka asked as she sat down, growing nervous.

"Everything is fine, Agent Bering, but I wished to have a talk with you about your future."

"My future?" Myka echoed, starting to have heart palpitations. Was she getting fired?

"Yes. You know, as a woman ages, she begins to realize how much having a family would mean. Have you considered that, Agent Bering?"

"Have I considered having children? Uh, well, I hadn't before, I mean to say-" Myka hedged.

"Because you don't want to wait until it's too late. Warehouse agents have had children before you know."

'This is crazy.' She thought.

Her eyes fell on the tea pot and cups. Artifacts maybe?

"Well, um," Myka rubbed the back of her neck, "actually, I wasn't going to announce this yet, but..."

"I'm pregnant with Myka's child."

Helena strode into the room, bold and magnificent as always.

Mrs. Fredric raised an eyebrow.

"It was rather unexpected...but not unwelcome," Helena responded with a soft smile.

"Warehouse?" Mrs. Fredric asked knowingly.

Helena nodded. "In the library, to be precise."

"Helena," Myka hissed, "you don't need to be specific."

The inventor smirked. "But darling, it was as Claudia likes to say 'the stairway to heaven'."

Myka threw her hands over her face, mortified.

"Now that that's settled," Mrs. Fredric sounded slightly uncomfortable, but then, it was hard to tell with her. "I think it's time to talk to Agent Lattimer. I know he wants children badly...and as you're apparently no longer available…"

"Absolutely unavailable," Helena affirmed, rocking on her heels slightly.

"Then I believe it's time to have Agent Donovan research an artifact to induce male pregnancy."

The Caretaker smoothed her immaculate skirt, and rose. "Good day, Agents Bering and Wells."

"Good day," Myka mumbled through her hands still covering her heated face.

"Good day, Mrs. Fredric. I will make sure you have an invitation to the baby shower."

"I look forward to it, Agent Wells," replied Mrs. Fredric, with a trace of amusement in her voice.

Myka heard Mrs. Fredric walk away, and only then felt safe enough to take her hands away from her face.

"Helena," she reproached, "why did you tell her that?"

Helena arched an eyebrow, and sitting down next to Myka, replied, "You mean tell her about our child's miraculous conception?"

Myka rolled her eyes. "Yes, that. Obviously we were going to announce you being pregnant, but we don't need to bring up any details."

Helena pouted, and Myka struggled to stifle the urge to kiss it away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm not trying to say I'm unhappy. You know I love you and I already love our baby."

"Darling, you really should express pride." Helena leaned into Myka's personal space, and grinned, her voice husky. "Out of all of my dalliances, I must say you have the privilege of being the best lover I have ever had. You should take that as a compliment, you know."

Myka blushed a deep scarlet, pleased.

She had the sudden urge to call the boy she lost her virginity to, and boast. The little prick had the nerve to say she was one of the worst he'd every been with. Now she is the best lover the great and beautiful HG Wells ever had!

"I do take that as a compliment." Gently taking her lover's hands, Myka reassured, "It makes me feel overwhelmed when you say that. I mean...you have a lot more experience than I-"

"Oh, I have more than a lot, darling. I would say an incredibly excessive amount."

Myka glared at the cocky inventor. "Be that as it may, you know I'm a rather private person."

"Myka, unless we are in the bedroom, you have to admit to being somewhat of a prude."

"Excuse me! I am not a prude!" she protested loudly.

Helena grinned salaciously. "I only meant in public. In the bedroom, you are primal, a wild beast waiting to be tamed."

Myka tugged her collar, feeling the heat of her libido rising at Helena's words.

Backing away, she said, "It's just weird telling those details to Mrs. Fredric!"

"Well, I do think it odd Mrs Fredric take any sort of interest in your childbearing," Helena acknowledged.

"I will agree with you on that point. I wonder what possessed her to do so? It IS true Pete has had baby fever for awhile now..."

"Well, then it is good I was here, and laid any notion of Agent Lattimer's chance at becoming the father of your baby to rest."

"Myka! Myka!"

"I'm in here, Pete!" Myka hailed.

"Speaking of..." Helena grumbled.

"Be nice," Myka chided.

Helena rolled her eyes as Pete waltzed into the living room, a happy expectant look on his face.

"Want to have platonic children with me, Mykes? That would totally work out right? I mean it's not like we want to be in a relationship."

Helena stood, growling, and Myka rose. Placing her hand on Helena's back, she tried to steady her.

"Helena..."

"What's the matter with HG?" Pete asked, staring directly at Myka, like Helena wasn't even there, which of course Helena did not take kindly to.

"SHE is right here, Peter, and Myka is NOT having platonic children with you!"

"Okay, first off, you need to stop with calling me by the name only my mom gets to call me when I'm in trouble. Second-"

Myka was in no mood for this.

"Pete! I'm not having platonic children with you because I'm already having a child with Helena!" she shouted.

Pete asked, confused, "You're having platonic children with Helena?"

Myka reached over, and smacked his arm. "No, you idiot! We're together romantically. And this child ours."

"An artifact we were unaware of at the moment of copulation." Helena relaxed, pleased with her lover's affirmation of their relationship.

Myka pinched the bridge of her nose.

She loved Helena; she really did. But did the woman need to be so candid to the world about their love life?

Helena slipped her hand into Myka's, and smiled, touching her stomach. "There is no one else I would rather have a child with."

Pete's eyes widened, but then crinkled in happiness, surprising Myka. Smiling, he proclaimed, "I'm glad, Mykes. It's been a long time coming."

Turning to Helena, he shook his finger at her. "And you. You and I are going to have the shovel talk. Myka needs the best."

Oh, god.

"Pete. I don't need you to give the 'shovel talk' to Helena," she said sternly.

"Mykes, I'm like your big brother, and as such," he puffed out his chest, "it is my duty to give Helena the shovel talk."

"What on earth are you babbling on about, Pete?"

"The shovel talk is when he says you better treat me right, or he will beat you to death over the head with a shovel," Myka explained.

"Excuse me?!"

"It's just an expression. It generally is given by the friend or family member of one of the romantic partners in a relationship. They're concerned said person will be hurt by the other person, and wish to prevent that from happening."

Myka sighed, and clarified. "Pete is basically saying if you don't treat me right, he will retaliate in one way or another. Just ignore it."

"Ignore it? How dare you suggest I would hurt Myka! And need I remind you, I know kenpo-"

Myka quickly threw her hand over Helena's mouth, saying loudly, "BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL TOPIC-"

Myka paused, irritated.

"Pete, I have no wish to be your incubator, you need to go somewhere else."

"Okay," he sounded a bit dejected. Helena had calmed down, so deeming it safe, Myka removed her hand.

"I don't know who else I can ask. Claudia is too young, and it would be weird cuz she's like my baby sister. Mrs. Fredric is out. Artie is with Dr. V so that's out." Pete paused. "Maybe I can call Amanda...I heard she's divorced now..."

Myka shook her head, exasperated. "I can't deal with this. Between you two and Mrs. Fredric, I need a bottle full of ibuprofen, and to lay in a dark room with a cool wash cloth over my eyes because I feel the start of a migraine coming on."

"Mrs. Fredric?"

"Yes, she was just here bugging me about having children, like it's any of her business anyways. I think she heard something about you wanting kids."

"Sorry, Mykes," Pete apologized. "I guess I've been pretty kid focused lately."

"Pete, you've been talking about it with everyone."

"Well, I think my biological clock is ticking," he defended.

Myka rolled her eyes. "Pete, men have no biological clock. You can have kids until the day you die."

"Why don't you adopt or get a surrogate?" Helena suggested.

"Well, I know it sounds selfish, but I kinda want a kid who looks like me. And I really wanted to have a kid with someone I know and care about."

"There are...alternatives...shall we say."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, having a child with Steven," Helena explained.

"What? He's a guy!" Pete protested. "I mean, how would that even work?"

"Before she left, Mrs. Fredric mentioned she was going to look up male pregnancy artifacts," Myka commented, then clarified, "I think she meant for you personally though."

"Or you could use ours," Helena proposed, grinning like the cat who ate the canary.

"Helena!" Myka rebuked. She turned towards Pete who wore an expression both hopeful and confused.

"Pete, unless you want to have…um…" Myka rubbed the back of her neck. How much more embarrassing can this day get?

"Well, I doubt you'd want to use that," she finished.

"Why not? I might. It obviously works."

Helena was laughing. Myka gave her lover a dirty look. "Pete! You would have to have 'sex' with Steve!"

Pete paled. "Man, I like Jinksy and all but, I don't really want to go that far to get a kid. There must be another way."

"You could use those dog tags. You know the ones that briefly made me pregnant."

"I beg your pardon?!" Helena's eyes at first widened comically before quickly morphing into narrow slits aimed at Pete, who was afraid Helena actually had the ability to shoot lasers like superman.

"Helena! He didn't know what he was doing, and as soon as we neutralized the dog tags, I was no longer pregnant."

"I've been thinking about having kids for close to a year, HG." He sounded so mournful, Helena immediately softened./p

"I was holding the dog tags and started thinking about having kids. Myka is my best friend, and I thought who better to have a kid with?" Then he clarified, "In a totally PLATONIC WAY, because any other way would just be wrong."

"And that's when I got pregnant. As soon as we bagged the dog tags, I went back to being normal Myka."

"Are ever going to wear your gloves while handling an artifact, Peter?" Helena teased.

"Pete, all I'm saying is maybe you could wish it and think of Steve if it works out for male pregnancy. Steve's a great guy. You could do worse." Myka shrugged.

Pete chewed on his lip. "When you put it like that, I guess I might be open to the idea. It is platonic, after all. And you're right; Jinksy is a good guy. He would probably make a good father/mother being a calm Buddhist and all.

Then brightening, he further commented, "We can totally raise all our kids here. When I find a girl, and Steve finds a guy, we can have like an extended Warehouse family! You guys will be their aunts and baby Bering-Wells will be their cousin!"

As fate would have it, Steve Jinks walked in.

"Hey guys. Have you seen Claud?"

Steve was unnerved by the sudden quiet, not to mention the strange looks directed his way.

"Okay, what going on? Why are you guys staring at me like that?"

Pete came over and wrapped his arm around Steve, who frowned.

"Jinksy, want to have platonic children with me?"

"What?!"


End file.
